The split between mind and heart...

My last blog entry, on intuition, caused more reactions than any previous one. And while we seem to be very much divided about what intuition is and how intuition and reason connect, it is indeed an ancient topic that all generations have tried to disentangle.

The splits between what we think and what we feel are too many to be comprehensively discussed. There are several examples that come readily to my mind. But today I want to focus on one: the scars of bullying.

I was severely bullied when I was a teen. Product of a completely dysfunctional family, loneliness, a chronic depression and the impossible-to-tame kernel of rebellion, I was a punkish girl--an emo in the 80's--with one single friend. Her life was much less complicated, but due to boredom or whatever reason, she played along with me. Soon we were despised by all girls at school, classified as lesbians, shouted at by boys, some of who chose to assault me on the street.

I overcame that episode of my life with certain degree of grace, ending high school with lots of friends. However, I did not overcome the scars of bullying. And I did not notice this backlog until recently.

I am afraid that there are people who will always be bullies. They enjoy making fun of others and they make a sport out of hacking away on those that are weaker than they are. Such behavior triggers two distinct reactions in me. If targeted at others, it makes me rage against the bully. It gives me a purpose, namely, to stop others from feeling the way I did. If targeted at me, I withdraw. Then, I become insecure and vulnerable and therefore aggressive. In the end, I probably break.

I cannot tell you how much I hate acknowledging that I am still not over my own experience as an object of bullying. It still hurts. It still makes me cringe. The rational understanding does not help the negative emotion to subside. And it is not gone, in the same way in which bullies are not automatically gone, even when they become adults.

Bullying needs to be treated, and if your kids are on one or another side of this paradox, please deal with it. If your kid is a bully, s/he needs your love, support and encouragement to grow into a respectful human being. If your kid is being bullied, please don't just wait for her to muster the strength and speak up. The best way of dealing with an emotional scar is not to let it happen in the first place.