On a Monday like today, six years ago...

...Mamichi died. After months of struggle mixed with the unique opportunity to let go and seize every single moment to find a way back to peace, to her daughter, to her own light, Mamichi left in silence.

That day was not as sunny as today. It was colder.
I hadn't had a good night's sleep for months.
Camila could run and jump up high--unstoppable.
Sunari was not yet born--not even in our fantasies.
I still had a relationship with my siblings.
Margot was a meaningful name in my life.
I was at home at Fundar--my work, my family, my everything.
I had Waldo, my dearest brother, as a flatmate.
The racoon was already the light of my life.
My second mum was sitting by my side, like today.
My grand mum was still here, in silence, watching Mamichi slip away.

So much got into perspective during those months...
I learned that caring for your loved ones, and helping them to go, is an honor.
I learned that even our most informed ideas about what we think that we signify for our parents are often wrong.
I learned that you don't have to do anything just because it is your family.
I learned that love and trust are what makes you grow and develop as a creature of light.
I learned that all the stress and unhappiness of our every-day life is a futile waste of time.
That feelings like jealousy, the idea of love as a possession, make no sense.

I have been ignoring these learnings lately. Bogged down by conflict, lack of satisfaction, the longing for recognition and the imminent build-up of implosion, I have felt small and troubled. Judged. Incapable of giving. Locked up in darkness. Not free.

Today makes me remember that we all are so much more than this. I want to go back to the version of myself that is deeper, more connected, and more grounded in what matters.

The lack of inhibitions...

"I'll be your girl if you say it's a gift, and give me some more of your drugs... I'll be your pet if you just say it's a gift..."

Those are the lyrics from a Fiona Apple song that I am listening to, while I am trying to think about our way forward in Pakistan, and how to overcome the hurdles in Brazil.

What does it take to get you to the place where you would say something like that? Does it really take THAT much? Or does it just require the right moment? The right place? The willingness to let go of the artificial boundaries imposed by conventional language? Is it just a matter of wanting to free your mind? Of insanity? Addiction?

I often think that I am impossibly indiscrete... A dear, dear friend taught me a good, good lesson several years ago about what to say and what not to say. I have improved a lot in some ways, by not sharing information that should only be mine or that have been shared by someone else with me. The lack of discretion comes on another level. There are just things that I cannot NOT say about what I feel, think, believe or hope for --directly into the face of the person that triggers the feeling, thought or hope.

The chicken once told me that I am brutally honest. I am wondering if, more than honesty, this is some kind of a handicap. Is there something that other people have, and that I lack, in terms of being able to distinguish between thoughts that I should keep to myself and thoughts that I should share with the directly involved persons? Is there some kind of filter that is missing?

You, the readers of the cosmic mouse, must have first-hand experience in this peculiar character trait of mine. Please, VOTE!!!!! Let me know what you think! Why am I doing this? What is missing in my mental structure that causes this lack of verbal inhibitions?

Looking forward to it...

There are two things on my mind that I would like to write about... I am not sure I will be able to do it, though.

I know that this blog has served as my diary. For one reason or another, I have chosen this space to open up, and write down very personal thoughts and feelings, mixed up with short snippets from my globe-trotting state of life and occasional entries about my favorite creatures: animals. Sometimes I speak about my professional life. Today, I could do all of the above.

I am in Washington DC. One more time. Another meeting. Loved ones around. Tension--positive and negative. This has been one hell of a roller coaster of a year. So many things have happened. Many of them exciting. Many of them frustrating. This meeting has the potential to be all of that. I am experiencing it as a soothing process. I am actually feeling better as it goes on. I am feeling a bit more connected. Belonging. Part of.

I ask myself what is going wrong with my professional life... Why is working here such an insurmountable challenge? Why do I feel so much conflict? Why do I feel unhappy? Unappreciated? I clearly work too much. I clearly waste time on things that should not consume so many hours. While that is annoying, it is not the answer to the main question.

I am 1000% committed to this work, and love what I do. Why am I unhappy? What is it, that is not going in the right direction? Any suggestions shall be appreciated...